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FAMOUS J.R. QUOTES

"Is that a fact?"


"Well I can tell you one thing, my drinking game sure as hell is a lot better than my golf game."


"What's the matter Lucy, don't you know us rich folks are supposed to be happy all the time?"


"No one here but us rich folks." (J.R.'s reply to Lucy's boyfriend Mitch, who was curious of who was in the parlor) (Mitch despises rich people)


"Mama, I'd more likely forget my own name." (J.R.'s reply to his mother, Miss Ellie asking him not to forget to poor himself a drink after he had finished pooring drinks for everyone else in the room)


"You had us worried Peter." J.R.
"Well yes sir, I'm sorry about that." Peter
"Well, we weren't that damn worried." (J.R. talking to Sue Ellen's missing lover, Peter)


"Well it wasn't exactly the Olypmics, but then they've got four years of practice." (J.R.'s reply to Katherine Wentworth, who was marveling at their sex that had just taken place)


"J.R., you've got the amazing ability to make a crooked scheme seem noble" Edgar Randolph
"Edgar, that's part of my charm!" (A conversation that took place between J.R. and Edgar, who J.R. was blackmailing)


"Once you give up integrity the rest is a piece of cake."


"Saying terrible things is part of my charm, I suppose."


"Well that definitely was not exciting. A meeting with my tax accountants is better than this." (J.R.'s comments after having sex with Katherine for the last time)


"Do I look like a man that likes to sit on the grass with ants and chiggers?"


"I've alway been one to take advantage of an opportunity when presented."


"The only thing you've learned is that vodka doesn't smell on your breath." J.R. to Sue Ellen


"From what I've heard, your friends don't stay too healthy." Casey Denault
"Well they stay healthier than my enemies." J.R.


"The worst things happen to you Sue Ellen. You've lost your class."


"If he's free to go after what's mine, I'm free to go after what's his." J.R. Ewing to an interested Kimberly Crider, about her husband and head of Weststar Oil, Wilson Crider.


"What's a family for if it can't take care of its losers?" J.R. to his brother Gary after the reading of Jock's will. (Courtesy of Kelly Sudderth aka Sue Ellen)


"There's lots of people that can fool me, but they can only do it once!" J.R. speaking to his secretaries about Casey Denault.


"Sly, you know what's the matter with that man? He never knew when to trust me." J.R. about Cliff regarding his request for Barnes to buy Weststar stock and sign the proxies over to J.R.


"Momma should've had her tubes tied after I was born!"

"It'll be a silly morning in hell before I let a money hungry little bitch like you into my bed!!" J.R. to Michelle Stevens, who was inquiring why J.R. had not yet put the moves on her.


"You better think twice before you cheat on ole J.R. again." J.R. to his wife Callie.


"I'm J.R. Ewing, I don't get ulcers, I GIVE ulcers"


"Revenge is never stupid darling -- it's the single most satisfying feeling in the world."


"J.R., what slut are you going to sleep with tonight?" Sue Ellen
"What difference does it make? Whoever it is its got to be more interesting than the slut I'm looking at now." J.R.


"Nobody's going to jail. I'll handle Kristin my own way." J.R.'s response to Sue Ellen after learning that Kristin had shot him and was also carrying his baby.


"I know several good criminal lawyers who don't owe you a damn thing." Sue Ellens defense lawyer.
"I wouldn't bet on that." J.R.


"Nobody beats ole J.R. You know that." J.R. to Sue Ellen before his dangerous surgery to remove a bullet from his spine.


"If you want to do business in the future with ole J.R., then Bobby Ewing doesn't get one red cent." J.R. to banker Franklin Horner.


"I'm gonna bring Bobby down! I'm gonna cut him out if I have to destroy Ewing Oil to do it!!"


"J.R. we haven't been out drinking in a while, what do you say we go out and tie one on." Jock
"Are you buyin'?" J.R.
"Of course." Jock
"Well then we better take my car, because I'll have to drive after I drink you under the table!!" J.R.


"Talking's the second best thing I do." J.R. to Afton right before they start kissing.


"Sue Ellen, I am not having you followed, and you want to know why, I do not care who your with, or what you do, or where you go. I just don't give a damn!!" Jr telling Sue Ellen that he is not following her.


"Cliff, you want to know why I always get what I want, because I know how to play the other man's game" Jr telling Cliff to give up on Sue Ellen.


"Anything worth having is worth going for - all the way."


"Higher you fly, further you fall!" J.R regarding Cliff Barnes sudden fame


"Gotta have some place to hang my hat Momma!" J.R to Miss Ellie when she asks him if he is going to look at creating his own oil company


"That is how I like it, cash and carry" That is what J.R. says to one of the other ladies he was sleeping with other than Sue Ellen.


"Are you saying that I was using you like a hooker" JR says that to Sue Ellen after she thinks he used her to secure a deal for the refinery he needed.


"SueEllen, no one is ever going to take Ewing Oil from me ever again, not my brother Bobby, not Mama, no one. And when Mama fails to turn over Daddy's will, I will be the power in Dallas and at Southfork. And you will get to share in that power with me." JR. says that to SueEllen after he finds out that Miss Ellie wants to contest the will and sell Ewing Oil.


"Trusting Barnes is like trusting the cowette with the keys to the chicken coup!"


"I can't think of a group of people less likely for me to be friends with then the IRS" J.R.'s answer to Bobby when asked if he had put the IRS up to hassling him.


"Now hold on!"

Cliff Barnes: "My daddy could smell oil a mile away!"
J.R.: "The only place your daddy's nose ever led him was to skid row!"

"Everytime somethin' goes wrong in the Barnes/Wentworth clan they try and blame it on me!"--J.R.'s reaction to the plane crash that killed Rebecca Wentworth.

"You're a drunk, a whore, and an unfit mother, and I've got the depostions to prove it darlin'!"--J.R. to Sue Ellen when she threatens to take John Ross away from Southfork.

"It takes a smart person to know when to be scared, so I'll make it easy for you. NOW'S the time to be scared."--J.R. to Kristin after he discovers her and Alan Beam's blackmail attempt.

"I'm not that stupid....and you certainly aren't that smart!"


"J.R. Ewing never forgets a friend."


"Barnes, I told you not to drag me into court, and now the whole world knows what a big loser your Daddy really was. It must be heredity...And Cousin Jaime, hold your head up high. I know that you just lost out on your 1/3 of Ewing Oil, but look at it this way.....you just gained 50% of Cliff Barnes, and that just might be worth a lot of money someday." Jr says this to Cliff and Jaime immediately following the court hearing over control of Ewing Oil.


"Cain, J.R.Ewing here. You better pack your bags and get as far away from Dallas as you possibly can because no one and I mean no one double crosses J.R. Ewing."